The church of Jesus’s eternal love.

Hello all future members of the Church of God’s love. We call it this because God loves us and only us. All of those other churches are liars and frauds by saying god loves them, because god loves us. But we digress we are a small church that rewards those who follow our every command. It’s so easy to join our church we only ask for a 500 dollar entry fee. We then will reward you for joining buy selling you a bible signed by Jesus Christ himself only 100 bucks per copy. Or you can pay 50 bucks and get one sprinkled with measly fountain water…. We mean Holy water. But if you buy that copy of the holy bible, the good book, the law of the land everyone should abide by god will be disappointed in you and will probably smite your family. For those of you who are ready for the next step we have two types of baptisms we have the normal one with the water. We hold your head under water for 30 minutes and bring you back with CPR . This only for 100 bucks plus tax, but 50 bucks if you have a 50 percent off with a coupon. Or for those of you who are extra dedicated we have the trial by fire. We make you walk across hot coals while proclaiming how much you love god this is only 300 bucks or 150 with a 50 percent off coupon. Now we need your help each and every one of you reading this we need your funding we need money to help dying starving “children” in other countries.  As our pastor we have some hot guy who doesn’t really know what or who he’s sponsoring but you’ll all come because he’s a hot charismatic guy kinda like Chris Pratt but dumb. The more money you throw at our church the more god will love you. You see we believe there are different levels of heaven the most money is like a VIP lounge where you smoke pot with Jesus and God themselves. But the less you give the closer to hell you are. Now in our church store we have magic healing rocks that will heal any ailment you have as long as you believe it’s working then it’s working. If you try to return it then we will tell you you’re not believing hard enough. So enjoy your stay here at our church and we love your money. I mean support we love your support.

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