Breaking News: God breaks long standing silence with humanity.

Early today God had a message for the human race. This is what he said “Wow I take one 40 year vacation from babysitting your little asses and this is how you repay me? By destroying the fantastic planet I gave to you as a fucking gift. I was fine with you building cities to keep yourself safe, to eat the fruits of my labor, and to kill each other for sport, glory, and just to fucking do it. I don’t understand what happened I left in 1977 I left you in the very capable hand of Jimmy Carter the man made fucking peanuts for my sake I mean Jesus, my son came down to set up a record label. He called it Angelic Records but nobody sided with him, and now you could only imagine my shock when I found out that things like Kanye, Taylor Swift, and Eminem are popular. I am appalled and don’t even get me started on the condition in which I left Earth to you. Dictators are still a thing I mean how the fuck did you fuck that up. I gave you everything, and when I blotted out the sun to prove my point, and you mother fuckers just stared at it. You know what my heart can’t take this I’m going back to Venus to hang with Zeus, Satan, and Buddha. We’re playing poker myself Satan is good at it, but Zeus can’t keep a straight face, and I think the Buddha is stoned the whole time anyways peace out suckers.”

Once again we’ve become a species without a god watching over us. This has been your breaking news update.


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